I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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