Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize