"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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