I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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