Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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