we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
