Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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