I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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