Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
