Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
