everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
