Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
