you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
