my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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