I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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