Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
