I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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