This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
