Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(503): View more from Oregon

it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.

Fav 35 1008 7779
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(310): View more from California

Even water is tasting like jack daniels

Fav 15 5156 1517
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(218): View more from Minnesota

I threw up into my coffee this morning.

Fav 10 1154 5326
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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

Fav 21 2232 5312
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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

Fav 22 11144 2456
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(630): View more from Illinois

So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong

Fav 28 1316 6305
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(228): View more from Mississippi

thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

Fav 3 5967 1536
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(515): View more from Iowa

I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.

Fav 0 855 655
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(512): View more from Texas

I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.

Fav 0 20 38
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