kristin has been a bad kristin
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
What a dumb baby whore.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
