That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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