No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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