When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
