i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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