She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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