We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
