me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize