I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
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