Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize