are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
