Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
