She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
