Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
