i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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