i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
