I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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