I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
