Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
