I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
