When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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