Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
