my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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