she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
