He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
