i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
