just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
