The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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