the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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