I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
