Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
