remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
