Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
