I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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