i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
