yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
