when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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