I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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