I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
