Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
