chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
