he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
