I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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