it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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