my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
