i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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