ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
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