the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
