someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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